“My joy grows with every soul that seeks the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. Remember, you have one life. That’s all. You were made for
God. Don’t waste it.”
Yes, I am dying. Reality hit a month ago when I found a lump in my breast. I have never been so scared in my life. In fact, I only told Torey and one girl friend. I tried to tell a few others but the thought of even saying cancer sent me into tears that I just couldn't even start the conversation. Only twice in my life have I ever prayed so hard or intense. One was when my grandpa had a heart attack. I was on my knees crying out to God to let him live longer. God answered my prayers and my grandpa lived another 10 years. This is the grandpa we our naming our son after, Max. God took him quick when he had his second heart attack. I really think it was for me he did it that way.
“I will not waste my life! I will finish my course and finish it well. I will display the Gospel of
the grace of
God in all I do. I will run my race to the end.” - Paul”
When reality hits and you think you may have cancer and be dying, your focus changes. It really shouldn't as you should be living and making every moment count, but it changed me. I will never be the same, nor do I ever want to be the same. Torey felt the lump and I asked my girlfriend to feel me up too :) She did and she felt it. I knew when they both could feel it, that was not good. Scared was not really the word I was feeling but in a way it was. I knew with out a doubt that I would go to heaven and see my Savior. I have no doubt in my salvation. That always hasnt been the case. I used to be scared when thunder came and thought "is this it? Is He coming? Am I saved". Then I was able to go to church that grounded me in His word and now there is no doubt, no fear. I was thinking if I only had a few years left how would my children and Torey do? It hurt my heart so bad to think about it that I actually think I could have feel it break. Then the question was did I loved them more than God? Please, Lord let it never be so.
“You get one pass at life. That’s all. Only one. And the lasting measure of that life is Jesus Christ.”
Honestly, I want to raise them longer and grow old and see my grand kids. I do. I also want to go to heaven, but I have a lot more I want to accomplish. There are so many that need Jesus and me to tell them about Him. For them to see Him in me. I also want His will. Maybe I had to go through this to show others? Talk about a heavy heart. The emotions were so intense. I prayed that I wouldnt have to carry this burden. I fasted. There was so much intense praying. I went to my OB doctor 6 days later as that was the soonest I could get in. She could not feel the lump. She thought maybe there was thickening where my under wire was, but not a lump. She order a mammogram and an ultrasound if needed, but told me to wait until my next cycle and then call to make the appointment. This gave me some relief but I wanted that mammogram. I had that done on Wednesday. There was no lump, no nothing. I sincerely believed God has taken the lump away. He healed me. He answered my prayer. Why He answered my prayer when so many other people are dying of cancer, I.dont.know. And my heart feels a new burden for them that I have never felt so intense before. We had a Dad of many kids adopted from the foster care system die after a 8 year battle of cancer during this time. I couldnt go to the funeral. There was no way, my heart could do it and I would have balled all the way through. Not because he wasnt in heaven at that moment, but because my heart hurts for those left. I have a girl I went to high school with that has been battling for a long time and she needs another surgery but her body is too weak. She is only 41. Heavy heart. I am not sure why the Lord has allowed this in my life, but I know I will not live a life wasted. I will live every single day for Him. When He prompts me at costco to tell the lady in a wheel chair with no hair (maybe fighting cancer??) to tell her she has the most beautiful smile, I did it. Why? Because I do not want to waste another moment. When my son says "Ugh, they put tomatoes on my salad when I asked them not to". I will say "yah, that stinks, but if thats the worst of our worries, this is a great day". When I see a person hurting, I will help. I want to be so used for Jesus being his hands and feet extended. I want to go to Chi*a and get our children home so they can have love and a family. Please dont waste your life, make very single moment count. Because whether I had breast cancer or not, in reality, I have always been dying. I just dont know when or how, but each day, I am getting a little older and closer to my maker. I want to live it to the fullest for Him and as the quote says on the bottom of my blog "Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside. thoroughly used up, totally worn out and proclaiming "wow, what a ride!" and I would add "wow, what a ride and all for His glory!"
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