Dear _________....

I wrote this letter to someone at the christian school where I work before Zeke came home in 2010.  I really hate having to ask for financial statements from where I work for our dossiers.  Its always followed by  questions of "again???"  or, well, read my letter below and you can see.  It.just.breaks.my.heart.why.some.people.just.dont.get.it.  And although I have respect for this person, it just makes me sad.

Dear _________,

I wanted to address what you said to me the other day when I was telling you about our adoption.  I am so bad at words, but figure if I could write it down, it would make more sense.  You said you were fearful for Torey and I adopting again.  I guess, right there I should have asked about what.  On my way home that just kept playing over and over in my mind. Yes, I am an analyzer.  Fear.  I looked up fear.  This is the description.

fear 

a. A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger.

b. A state or condition marked by this feeling: living in fear.

2. A feeling of disquiet or apprehension: a fear of looking foolish.

3. Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power.

4. A reason for dread or apprehension: Being alone is my greatest fear.

What you said made me think.  I actually started thinking things like, “what should I be fearful for?”  Is there danger in adopting Zeke?  Well sure, there could be.  He could not attach to us and cause major grief to our family.  Maybe he will get a disease like Charis and need major medical care.  Maybe one more child will put us financial over the edge?  Maybe I will get cancer and die in the next 6 months leaving Torey to parent all these children.  I could go on and on.   I was starting to feel anxiety and apprehension by thinking all these thoughts.  I knew that was wrong.  I had to stop this.  I could become like Mrs. ****** and have fear and anxiety over all issues.  Then I started thinking of bible verses and looked up more when I got home.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.

Psalm 27:1
The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:13
For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Matthew 10:28
And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.

Romans 8:15
For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.

2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

Hebrews 13:5-6
For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." So we may boldly say: "The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?"

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

The Lord does not want us to fear.  Please do not fear for us.  Pray for us.  Sure Torey could die on his way home from work and I could fret about it all day long.  Is that what God wants me to do?  I don’t think so.  I think he wants us to use wisdom and discernment and always seek that from the bible.  Looking after orphans is biblical.  I do not need to show you those versus.  You know them.  God has called the Re*fern family to an incredible journey. He is entrusting our family with that which breaks His heart. It is so clear in His word He favors the orphan, widow, and the least of these.  Whether people around us ever “get it” or not, that’s ok.  That is their journey.  I have taken mine eyes off them, and put them on Him.  If I sat in fear over every scenario that could happen with Torey’s job or our health or our children, I would drive myself insane and I believe it’s not biblical.  We have sought Gods will earnestly with this adoption and all our adoptions.  It has strengthened our faith.  We have had to trust Him.  We could be sitting in the house we are in, making bookoo bucks, driving really nice cars and having a lot nicer clothes.  Would that be right? Would that be a Christ centered life?  Would it be helping get the word of Christ out to the world? I would just be another person with my eyes on “me”.  There are enough of those people in this world and in our churches.  My heart hurts for the orphan.  The child that has nothing.  Molly Mei laid on a piece of plywood, soaked in urine, her diaper held by a rope and not eating a drop of food besides a bottle at age two until I got her.  Would have it been better that she lay in a crib, grew up and became a sex slave because I choose a new car instead?  That is the reality for my children before we adopted them.  What child of ours would be better left in an orphanage?  I know I can’t save them all.  But I can do my part.  I say that meaning Torey’s and mine part, but I am not going to speak for him. He can tell you his heart if you would like. But I can tell you we are in agreement.   Our kids may not wear designer clothes, have all the latest gadgets, but they have a family.  I know that sounds so regular, but for my children, it’s not. Not only a family, but more important, a family that loves the Lord with all their hearts and wants to seek him. Not perfect in any way, but loves Christ.  I love this quote  “Life is not a journey to the grave with intentions of arriving safely in a pretty well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming ... WOW! What a ride!”  I would only add, “serving my master” on the end.  Brother Ro*ert, I respect you very much.  Please know that Torey and I have no intention of losing our home or living on the streets,  Mooching off of society.  We have sought the Lord in our choices and will work hard to achieve our goals for our family.  If hard times to become us, it will not be caused by this son we are adding.   We could sit back and do nothing, which I believe many are doing or we can go forward in faith to what God has called us to.  We only want the will of God, nothing more, nothing less, nothing else. 

Sincerely Jenne Re*fern

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.”